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:: Thursday, September 27, 2007 ::

Ways to tackle mice at Work

I was baffled and amused and choked when I had to witness security personnel called to deal with an intruder in the form of a mere mouse. And then I wondered how else would they deal with a mouse in other workplaces.

At the Whitehouse: The CIA would be called to work on who released the mouse into White House. In the meanwhile, the news has somehow leaked to the press. Al Gore's camp is already saying that mice are invading places where they were never seen earlier, all due to Global Warming. But the Bush camp and CIA believe Osama has a hand in it. While both parties continue to occupy most of the time slots in tv shows and a nation of clueless fools tries to wonder whom to believe, US Army has already invaded Nigeria and taken over all the oil wells. No one knows how Nigeria came into picture. Haliburton has taken up contracts on dealing with all those wells, thanks to the mouse. In the meanwhile everyone has forgotten about the mouse which is still having a free run in the kitchen!

At a factory in China, busy exporting cheap goods: It is fairly obvious. There is a big commotion. Everyone runs behind the mouse. After all, it is he who catches the mouse gets to have it for dinner.

Parliament House, New Delhi: Someone catches the mouse and throws it at the arena of opposition parties. A fight breaks out immediately and no one cares for the speaker who starts shouting first, and then begs for mercy! The parliament is adjourned for the day while the mouse continues to stay inside.

McKinsey, KPMG, or any other consulting company: They run a research and study, including a market survey to find indicators on how the mouse entered. Past data on mouse intrusion is collected and a trend chart is made to check the likelihood of mouse's occurrences in future. They are still clueless. When they realize that mice are not their core competency, they hire another consulting company and pay big time money to get their advice. A lot of presentations are made and plenty of money changes hands. Lot of people become rich and finally the findings will indicate that the mice in office are harmless and no action needs to be taken.

Deutsche Bank, Citi, or any other big bank: Presence of mouse is treated seriously and taken as a security breach. Processes are reviewed and 10,000 page document is created to ensure mice do not enter office. At the end of the whole exercise, they still find mice in the office, which provokes them to hire KPMG to work on the problem. Go to previous point to know what happens finally.

LN Mittal's Office: Pays 10 billion dollars to buy the mouse, and in the process pays another billion dollar to the consulting firm that negotiated the deal and yet another billion to the investment bankers who worked on the deal. End of the day, everyone is happy except the grumbling mouse.

Bill Gate's Office: Decorates the mouse nicely and sells it for a thousand dollars. The mouse gets sick often, and he charges another 10,000 dollars to fix it each time. As he laughs his way to the bank, the folks at Sun Microsystems who tried to sell a healthy mouse without decorations and failed, keep grumbling about Gates' unhealthy business practices.

Vidhanasoudha, Bangalore: A yawning Devegowda calls a press conference and sleepily tells the waiting press that the mouse will not be transferred to BJP. Kumaraswamy calls a press conference next day and says he will keep his word and transfer the mouse to BJP. Meanwhile, press has a free run as each JDS member gives a different statement. Whatever they do, the mouse remains in Vidhanasoudha.

All India Congress Committee office: They are too scared to decide how to act on it, because any decision can make a section to pick a fight. They leave the decision to Soniaji instead. Sonia appoints Rahul as mouse manager for AICC. Rahul goes on an overseas trip with Congress money to have some fun while the folks at AICC office silently keep up with the mouse.

What would happen at your workplace?

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